clefga

Debating in all honesty. But at the same time its..... intimidating. Hmmm.

My first journal.

I'm not sure what all the faves on my "Effort" piece means but I hope in a way some people relate to it. At least a little. I'll give some more insight on what's going on.

Two months ago I went through something heartbreaking. I think that word is an understatement even... heart shattering isn't even enough. I think... my soul, my very being was damaged and fractured. I found myself broken in every way possible. I hurt myself... I've gone through boxes of tissues and I go through the sadness due to that damaging event. Suicidal thoughts have become more frequent.

I've reached out to people as best I could in rl. I'm in the process of trying to get therapy. I'm trying to busy myself with gardening, cosplay, drawing, video games... but even after all my effort to try and move forward... I feel like so little progress was made. It frustrates me and saddens me. I wonder if the other side hurts for my absence as much as I'm hurting over them. Probably not... I saw something elsewhere... "One of them will have already replaced the other, while the other is trying to sort through and repair their own mess of feelings." That really is how it feels.

In the end. I'm just not worth fighting for. I'm no one,  I'm awful and I need to get used to the fact that I'm just... useless. Not needed or wanted. I don't know why the world doesn't just get rid of me already. I can't do anything for it. The suicide bridge I recently learned about nearby also seems tempting... I didn't even know that bridge was a suicide bridge until recently. Its... such a beautiful bridge bridge with a gorgeous view and I never would have thought that it was a site where so many took their own lives. Maybe one day I'll be another on the list.

I'm losing this fight. I'm trying but its not enough. I try to rest and care for myself but my family... is just too overbearing and I... I'm stuck. What little hope I have left is fading. I know my friends in rl care... but how long until they too get tired of me?

I just... hope some higher being will consider having mercy on me and will one day soon take my life. Does death really not discriminate? Because I can't tell if it refuses me to taunt me or... for some other reason.

I'll continue trying to keep moving forward... There is nothing else I can really do other than that. Let's hope my effort will soon mean something.